Neurotic, or Burden Bearer?

crows

Negative thoughts flap around my head like a flock of angry crows.

I’m on the way to work, my shift at the prayer room, but I feel like I’m walking through mud.

Ugh, Lord, I repent….

I feel like my prayers are like pebbles in a slingshot, occasionally taking down a crow, but mostly just winging off into the air.

My chest is burning.  There’s a groaning somewhere deep inside.

Although I want to curl up in a ball on the sidewalk, I resolutely set my face towards the prayer room and keep walking..

I’m a burden bearer. A travail-er… I have been for years, and I’m still trying to figure it out. Never sure if I’m neurotic, emotionally messed up, or if I’m getting a prayer assignment.

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I can feel it sometimes when I walk into a room. I discern the emotional climate of a space, involuntarily tuning into the thoughts and feelings of those around me.

Other times a burden just starts swirling round in my spirit.

I have found it helpful to be aware of my own emotional baseline, my regular highs and lows, so that when emotions spike strongly in either direction, that tips me off to the fact that something is up.

Eventually, I make it to the prayer room.  As I settle into my chair I also settle into a strong sense of Gods presence. The burning and groaning inside me increases. Deep conviction falls on my heart and I choke out my prayers, weeping (Note to self. Don’t bother putting on mascara in the mornings.   Another note to self.  Buy more Kleenex for the prayer room).

The crows scatter.

The burden lifts.

I am exhausted, emotionally raw, but peaceful.

I guess I’m not neurotic, at least not this time.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. Romans 8:26,27

4 thoughts on “Neurotic, or Burden Bearer?

  1. Wow, thank you so much…I go through that too! I’m glad I’m not the only one…LOL. May God continue to give you strength…

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